ANATOMY OF HAPPINESS

How I learned to love my body after a lifetime of hating it.

I used to treat my body like I hated it. Well, the truth is that I hated it.

From being an awkward, skinny kid who looked like a boy to someone who hit puberty 2 years before most of her friends, this hate story began early. I hated the sharp angles of my gangly frame, my too big nose and my too-short hair. As an adolescent, I hated that I looked liked a boy with breasts. I hated being hairy all over. And that I was short.

As an adult, a sedentary job and some incredibly bad habits made me overweight, gave me a bad back, and a body that I continued to hate.

One day (fuelled by some very unflattering photos), I decided that enough was enough. And so began a saga of diets, starvation, weight loss pills, gyms, trainers and fitness programs.

It helped. Very temporarily. The weight went, but it always came back on. I went from fat to skinny fat to fat fat.

IT TOOK ME YEARS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I WAS DOING WRONG. AND WHAT I WAS DOING WRONG WAS HATING MY BODY.

• I starved myself, not caring about what my body needed. It made me fat, weak and depressed, and didn’t help at all with my body image.

• I worked out too often and too hard, not caring that my body wasn’t capable. Eventually, injury and exhaustion would cause me to quit.

• I kept quitting on myself, cursing a body that refused to be ‘perfect’. Never mind that I wasn’t doing any of the right things for it.

• I had no faith in myself, and committed myself to failure right from the start. I never really gave myself a chance.
  

When I hit my early 30’s, I took a long hard look at myself, and for the second time decided that enough was enough.

It’s been a long and slow journey over the last 15 or so years. But I’ve finally learned to like (love, even) my body. Every little lump and bump. Every curve, every dent. Every blemish.

Here’s what I learned to do differently:

• I started moving and exercising in a way that suits my body. And this has continued to change over the years. Sometimes I do push myself. But I know when and how to and what my body can handle. I celebrate every little fitness victory, from a strong chaturanga dandasana to being able to sit in meditation for longer.

• I've learned to listen to my body. I rest. I try not to ignore tiredness and injury.

• I discovered yoga. And it changed my life.

• I learned to eat a better. I eat enough and I’m more mindful of what I do to myself or put into my body.

• I've stopped shaming myself.

• And most of all, I’ve learned not to quit on myself.

And now... I think look better in my 40's than I did in my 20's. I’m at a healthy weight, I feel stronger and I'm at peace with my naked (and still very imperfect) body.

WHEN YOU LEARN TO LOVE YOUR BODY, IT LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK.